


Fucking Bananas (Literally)

by Ritzy_bird



Series: #Buy Jean An Actual Dildo 2k16 [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Other, one-sided jeanmarco, sin - Freeform, using a fruit as a dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5843347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ritzy_bird/pseuds/Ritzy_bird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is a thirsty, lonely, shameful, yet creative 16 year old. When there are no boys to have sex with, no dildos to be found, suddenly, bananas look appetizing in an entirely different way. Too bad it has a lot of unforeseen consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking Bananas (Literally)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dollyboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollyboy/gifts).



> This is the first smut fic I've written in two years, and I don't own a penis so I have no idea if this is accurate or not! Please enjoy, if not for the smut, for the amount of sinful mistakes Jean makes in this.  
> *Edit! Now with 10% more Jean thirsting over Marco. As in, I changed it specifically so that Jean thinks about Marco while he's getting off.

There was nothing more frustrating for Jean than being both bored, horny, and tired at the same time. For the past hour, he'd been flicking through porn videos on the internet trying to find a way to fix such a problem, but nothing was really doing it for him. Normally in this kind of situation, Jean would simply lay back in his bed and wait for his imagination to do the work for him. This time however, he needed something more real. Something different from his usual routines.

Jean needed an honest to god dick in his ass, or at least something _vaguely_ similar. Jean was only 16, his "dating" skills were non-existent, and his all too often acne flare ups weren't going to help. He stared at his laptop screen, contemplating all of his options. Sure he could probably look on the internet to find someone to have sex with him, but the idea of a creepy guy, or worse, _ugly_ guy taking up on his offer wasn't appealing.

It'd be a good year and a half before he'd feel comfortable using one of those fancy dating apps, so that was out of the question. If Jean couldn't get _real_ sex, he thought that he should just get the next best thing; A dildo.

After all, what he's really after isn't for someone to hold him and kiss him aside from maybe Marco. But that was definitely a fantasy he would never live to experience. What Jean really wanted right now was something to fill his ass that was longer and thicker than his fingers-- which never seemed to get the job done quite like he imagined they would. Maybe his fingers were just too stubby, or too calloused from those six months of guitar class he took in 9th grade to "impress the ladies".

Except, this idea was also a huge problem. Jean had money, sure, but he couldn't just walk into a dildo store, because that's what Jean likes to think of them as, and buy a sex toy. The shame would be unbearable. That's when Jean remembered that his dear old Nana had given him a universal pre-paid gift card for his birthday this year. That would work for an online store!

As soon as Jean got excited, he immediately slumped back in his chair with disappointment. There's no way he could use his Nana's gift money to buy a dildo. His Nana was a very sweet, kind, caring, _Catholic_ woman. She even wrote bible verses on all the letters she'd send to him. It would be the filthiest sin imagineable if he used the money she worked hard for to buy any kind of sex related item. The thought alone made Jean feel like he should immediately pray for forgiveness.

And, no, he was not long enough to somehow fuck himself, as much as he actually entertained the idea it just was not going to happen.  
  
Uncomfortably used to settling for less, he got up from his desk chair and walked over to his pile of dirty clothes to grab a towel. He was going to settle for less, for ordinary, for basic masturbating fueled by his wild and unrealistic imagination. But as Jean spread the towel out on his bed, he had second thoughts. Why should he settle for less? There must be _something_ in the damned house that was roughly in the shape of a dildo.

Every lotion bottle, air freshener, tooth brush holder, and hair brush handle Jean found wasn't good enough. It was when he walked in the kitchen to pick through the stirring spoons that he glanced at the counter and saw a stack of bananas which had been sitting on the counter for days now.

Bananas which he thought his mother would have used by now for her "world famous 'nanner bread" that her book club couldn't get enough of. It dawned on him, that those bananas had been there for far too long, and that his mother had bought way too many. She wouldn't notice if just.... _one_ banana was gone, right? Right. This was going to be the answer to his mountain load of problems.

Filled with excitement, Jean ripped the best looking banana off the bunch and squeezed it gently. It was fine, or at least he thought it was squishy enough. He had seen all kinds of things on T.V. and the internet that made him fear the idea of putting food items in his not-eating-holes, and he certainly didn't want some weird bacterial disease that he'd have to explain to his mother a month down the road. Heaven's no, anything but that.

Luckily, Zip-Loc always has the solution. Their individual chicken breast portion bags were miracles of their own, and now they were going to perform one more little miracle. Jean wasn't going to use some cheap saran wrap to cover the banana, no, Zip-Loc got him covered. Because of course, no one in the house owns condoms. At least, he's never found any. Always practice safe sex, even if it's with fruit, right?

Jean ran up the stairs as quietly as he could, as if the neighbors would hear him running up the stairs and just _know_ he's about to shove some fine produce up his ass. But no, he had the whole house to himself for the next couple of hours.

This was where the fun would hopefully begin, and Jean just couldn't wait. He had waited for the day a slightly phallic shaped object would be inside him since he was 12, and it was finally going to happen. He'd finally get to know what having sex with a guy would feel like, sort of. A cold rounded banana is close enough to a warm flesh rod he's going to get. And he couldn't be more pleased.

   
Why hadn't he thought of this _sooner_? He'd heard of women using cucumbers for this kind of thing before, but he never really thought about doing something similar himself. No, no, this was a brilliant idea. Women must not understand how silly it is to use a cucumber instead of an easier to handle banana. Truly, bananas are the superior food alternative to real dildos and dicks.

He tossed the wrapped banana on his bed and slid his pants and boxers off, tossing them into the corner of his room before grabbing the Vaseline out of his dresser drawer. He knew Vaseline didn't count as lube, but if he couldn't get a dildo or condoms, he certainly wasn't getting lube. Plus, it always felt just fine before with his fingers.

Jean sat down on the towel on his bed and leaned back on his pillows, taking a few deep breaths to prepare himself. Next was greasing up the banana's plastic cover, and he made sure to _really_ get it slick with Vaseline. He wasn't stupid, he knew that no lube equaled no smiles and a ripped asshole.

Then came the fingering, which Jean knew was very important otherwise the banana was going nowhere fast. It was definitely a lot thicker than his fingers, and if he wanted to really get it up there, he'd need to take his time. Much to his surprise, he was getting a lot more aroused from fingering himself than he was used to. It must have been the excitement of what was to come. No pun intended.

He started to slowly rub the bagged banana around his entrance, and he was a little disappointed at how much colder it felt than when it was in his hand. He thought maybe he should have warmed it up in the microwave first, but there was no going back now. Not when he was so comfortable and aroused. That banana was going to go in him no matter what at that point, cold be damned.

Jean breathed in sharply as he made the initial move of sliding a good inch of the fruit into him, it was definitely a bit painful, but this was what he was expecting. With his lack of resources, a little bit of pain was part of the package deal. Plus, this time it was a little exciting.

And though Jean was determined to take his time with things, it was taking a bit longer than he would have liked to get more of it in. He tried spreading his legs a little more and decided to try forcing it in at a different angle. It wasn't working.

Distressed, Jean pulled it out a little and tried again, trying to take it much more slowly. He wanted to know what it felt like, that's all. He deserved to pretend for one day that he was having sex with an actual guy.

With some extra determination and constant shifting of his position, Jean had managed to get more of the banana into him, and he pushed his head back onto his pillow with a sigh of content. The hard part was over, he'd gotten about a third of the damn thing into his ass, and that would be fine for now.

Turning to lean more on his left side, Jean started to thrust the banana in and out of him, the fruit getting warmer and less uncomfortable each time. Normally, even when others were out of the house, Jean would make an effort to keep his noises to a minimum. Today was not a normal day for him. He let himself breathe unevenly as he got used to the sensation of a literal banana being shoved into him, gradually ignoring the rustle of plastic and how weird it felt on his insides.

But with every thrust and whimper that came out of it, Jean realized he would never be able to fit the whole thing inside him. It made him pause his hand's thrusting, and he sighed into his pillow. He'd have to actually touch himself in other places if he was going to make this fantasy work.

Jean was just so determined now to orgasm with a banana in his ass, that he was okay with having to do some extra work. He rolled back onto his back and continued to thrust the banana into him with his right hand, and then started to stroke the only real dick in the room, his own, with his left. Immediately Jean realized what a good idea it was.

He closed his eyes and let his imagination take hold of him, imagining someone, anyone, maybe even Marco, was the one doing these things to him. His feet slowly shuffling on his bed, and his toes curling and practically grabbing the sheets and blankets at the edge of the bed. It may have been a slightly awkward pain that the banana gave him, but combined with what he was doing to his dick, it was as good as an inexperienced teenage boy who only watched unrealistic porn, could get.

The heat was making him sweat, and he started to rub the precum along the tip of his dick slowly, only wishing he had a third hand so that he could play with his nipples. That always made masturbating that much more exciting, but he'd have to settle for the idea that his imaginary partner wasn't interested in that kind of thing.

Jean was well aware of the mess he was making despite the expertly laid out towel beneath him. Saliva had run down his face and onto his pillow, he'd been squirming so much that he kicked most of the blankets off of his bed, and he'd definitely ruined the towel's position to the point where there was definitely going to be a greasy Vaseline stain on his sheets. But Jean couldn't care that much at the moment, he was too busy trying to fantasize and reach an orgasm.

It had to feel real enough, otherwise there was no point. Now he was frantically thrusting the banana into him, thinking to himself over and over how much he'd wanted this. But it just wasn't _enough_.

In frustration, Jean rolled onto his left side again and left the banana inside him where it was, pulling a blanket over him furiously. He liked it sweaty and hot, or at least in this fantasy he did. Jean began to give the well deserved attention to his nipples, pulling at them gently a little bit, then pinching them roughly.

This was much better. This was great, this was _perfect_. Jean had clamped his thighs down on the wrapped banana and began rubbing his legs together, pushing them back and forth, up and down, to still get some kind of friction inside him. Jean squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered as he started to thrust his hips forward, gasping at the gentle force of the banana in him made with every movement.

Jean could not think of anything else but coming, he was going to orgasm today or he would eat the stupid banana whole, peel and plastic and Vaseline included. The friction between his thighs was so hot under the blanket he could barely breathe. It was ridiculously hot, it was a terrible and wonderful idea.

Moaning as he played with the tip of his moist dick more, Jean imagined he was getting a blowjob. Another thing which he desperately wanted to experience. A warm, wet bumpy _thing_ just going all over the tip, saliva and precum getting mixed into a hot mess.  
  
Jean had a bad habit of holding his breath when he was getting closer to coming, and he heard some guy died from that once so he stopped doing that immediately.  It always made it harder to get to his climax when he stopped to breathe, but dying wasn't part of the plan here. 

So consumed with his fantasy and awkward banana crushing thigh thrusting, Jean let his right hand fall to the bed, gripping the sheets tightly as he continued squirming and pumping his hand over his dick. He was so close, he couldn't stop now.

He'd practically smothered himself in his own pillow, whining and gasping for air into the pillow like the idiot he was. But he just didn't care, he was kind of angry. He wanted an orgasm, damnit, he was going to get one. His right hand was now almost clawing at the sheets as Jean frantically rubbed his thighs together, but he was just _so close_ he couldn't stop to get air now he just _could not_.

Finally he felt his tight abdomen twitch and that's it, he's coming. It's hot and it's a mess and Jean can barely concentrate on anything as all of his energy starts to drain out of him. There's cum everywhere and he knows it, on the towel, on the sheets, on the blanket he covered himself with. But Jean just lays there, letting it all sink in and fade away.

"That was... okay. Okay. Okay..." Jean doesn't even know who he's talking to or why, he's in such a daze. He just fucked himself with a banana. A _banana_. And, it felt pretty good. Not that that's what he was vocalizing, but his mind's in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

After a moment of reflection and blathering, Jean kicks the blanket off of him and wipes his cum soaked hand on the towel beneath him, which at this point has been shifted around so much that it didn't matter in the end. Everything's a mess anyway and now he has more laundry to wash.

Pulling the wrapped, and now slightly squashed banana out from his asshole is more than easy, but it's warm and slimy which Jean's not finding very sexy anymore. He tosses the banana to the side and slowly slinks out of his bed. It's time for a shower, which for Jean translates to feeling guilt and shame for masturbating at all. Although this time he had an extra thing to feel shameful for.

Jean thinks nothing of the mess he's leaving behind in his room, he'll clean that up later. For now, he needs to get the smell of sweat off of his skin. No one will believe him if he says he's all sweaty because he was exercising.

And, as much as Jean hates showers that aren't hot enough to cook pasta to a perfect al dente, he knows it's just better to take a cooler shower after the steamy sin fest he just had. The room temperature water even feels pretty nice on his skin after what he'd just done. And the more Jean thinks about what he's just done, the grosser he feels.

He's coming to terms with the fact that he honestly used a banana _to masturbate_. That's not the intended use of a banana. The poor butterflies that pollinated the stupid banana tree didn't die so that some lonely asshole like Jean could fantasize about sex. And yet, here he is, trying to scrub away his shameful acts with store brand Dial soap and a wash cloth. At least he'll only smell like the sin of knock-off bath products afterwards.

Jean doesn't realize how long he spends in the shower moping over his gross masturbating session. But when he gets out and wraps a towel around his waist, he knows he needs to check. His mother's out grocery shopping, sure, but even a chatty Cathy like her doesn't take forever at the store.

The entire world nearly implodes in Jean's mind when he walks into his bedroom and realizes the time; It's 3:30. His mom should be home _any minute now_. His eyes dart to the wrapped banana on his bed, and he realizes how much shit he's in. He needs to _get rid of it_. But he needs to do it now.

He can't throw it out the window, what if his mom sees it on her way in? Throwing it in the kitchen trash won't work either, someone will see it and wonder why there's a squishy half squashed banana at all. But without much time to think, Jean grabs it and runs out of his room and down the stairs with it, all the while trying to keep his towel from slipping just in case his mom comes home while he's in the middle of covering up the crime.

Jean runs into the kitchen and tries to figure out some way to hide the truth, and just as he thinks of running outside and across the street to the dumpster to dispose of it, he hears the jingle of keys at the door. Immediately, Jean rips off the Zip-Loc individual portions bag, bless the invention, and throws it into the trash can so hard he almost slips.

Freezing as the door opens, Jean imagines every possible scenario that could play out now. Is this how he dies? Explaining to his mother how he fucked himself with one of the bananas she bought to bake with? Maybe she'll disown him, and he can repay his debt to the world by planting banana trees with grace and dignity, and zero intent to use them to fulfill his thirsty fantasies.

It takes Jean's mother a moment before she notices her son standing in the kitchen with nothing but a towel on, and at first she's puzzled, but then annoyed. "Jean, what on God's green Earth are you doing in the kitchen without any clothes on? I could have had some of the girls over for dinner! Then what would we have done? How would I explain to them why my son is being so indecent?" Had she not been holding a mountain of grocery bags, she'd be crossing her arms and wagging her finger at him.

Jean wanted to nod and agree, because he has no idea how he would explain himself. He glances at the banana in his hand, and lifts it up, "I uh... I really was like craving a smoothie so I was going to make one? I didn't think you'd be home so soon." A bullshit lie, but he does like smoothies. She has to believe it or Jean's doomed for life.

Jean's mother squints as she walks into the kitchen, "Is that one of _my_ bananas? For my banana bread that I've been waiting to make? I _told_ you not to use any of those! For heaven's sake if you wanted some bananas you should have called and asked! I could have bought more."

Delight or despair, how should Jean feel? On one hand, she bought his lie. On the other? Now he's in trouble for not calling before using the banana for unspeakable things. "Yeah I'm sorry mom it was just a sudden craving yknow?" If only smoothies were what Jean had actually been craving.

Shaking her head, Jean's mother set the grocery bags on the counter and began putting things away. For a while Jean just stood there awkwardly, holding the portion of the banana that was mushed and warm. Too bad that wasn't going to work for him.

Jean's mom motioned with her hand towards the blender, "Well go on, make your smoothie." Jean's heart sank. Now he would have to soil the poor Vitamix, too? But he couldn't argue with his mother on this, not without revealing all the lies.

He uncomfortably grabbed the yogurt and an orange out of the fridge before stepping over to the Vitamix with dread in his soul. Jean had decided that this was the worst mistake of his entire life, but he quickly unpeeled his dildo banana and tossed it in the blender along with some yogurt and the orange.

Pressing the on button was like torture for him, especially since he knew he'd have to find some way to get rid of an entire smoothie mix without anyone knowing the wiser.

Once the smoothie was done, Jean's mother pulled a couple of glasses out from the cabinet. A couple. Multiple cups. More than one. Jean's eyes widened and he immediately shook his head, "Uh uh! No way mom this smoothie? No like you can't have it I'm sorry but this is mine." He didn't want to disrespect her, but he had to do anything to keep her from consuming the smoothie. _Anything_.

Jean's mother huffed and put one of the glasses away, crossing her arms and leaning against the sink. "You steal one of my bananas for a smoothie and you won't let your own mother have a glass. It better be an incredibly good smoothie, Jean. Go ahead, have it all to yourself. Let me know if the taste is worth the sass you've given me."

How much worse could it get? Jean didn't show it on his face, the pain and agony and shame of what he had to do now. He poured the smoothie into the glass half way, and then slowly brought the cup up to his lips and took a huge gulp. He had to sell it or he was dead. He had _sinned_ and he was being punished for it.

Jean gave a thumbs up, and that was enough to make his mother shake her head before leaving the kitchen. And Jean thought, _finally_ , he was free. Now all he had to do was literally all of his laundry to avoid further suspicion, and he'd be in the clear.

* * *

Or so Jean thought. When Jean was finished doing all his laundry, the normal dirty and the sinful banana fucking dirty, he thought he deserved a rest on the couch to watch some sinless House Hunters.

Except, when Jean went downstairs, _Marco_ was there. Sitting on the couch, watching T.V. and... _drinking a smoothie._

Marco, Jean's best friend and _five year long crush_ chose tonight of all nights to stop by, and drink stuff that's clearly not even his. This was where Jean felt he was officially granted a ticket to Hell, but he was still in a half-way state of denial.

"Uhm, Marco? What... what are you doing here, man?" Jean asked as casually as possible, sitting down next to him and staring at the drink in hand.

Marco looked confused, "Do I need a reason to come over? I was bored, I wanted to hang out with you but when I got here your mom said you were doing laundry. I thought you were grounded or something, why were you doing so much laundry?"

Jean, still staring at the smoothie, just shrugged in response. "Where did you um, get that smoothie?" He was thinking, hoping that it wasn't true. That this was a completely different smoothie from the dildo one he made earlier. This was not happening. Marco was not drinking the smoothie of ultimate and complete sin.

"Oh! Your mom told me you made a smoothie earlier. You know I love bananas, so I couldn't just leave it there while you were off cleaning." Marco said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and Jean finally understood the internet joke of 'internally screaming'. Because that was what he was doing at that moment.

Jean remembered, of course, how much Marco _loved_ bananas. He fucking loved those things. If it was banana flavored, Marco would eat it. Jean had watched Marco _many times_ , simply suck on a frozen banana in the summer, and Jean could instantly remember quite vividly how slightly turned on he would get. But now? No, no Jean was dead.

He had sinned, and shoved a banana up his ass, and now he was paying the ultimate price. "G-give me that thing!" Jean tried to reach for the glass, but Marco _loved_ bananas, he wasn't giving up the smoothie. "What? No. There's still some more of it left in the fridge if you want some. It's really good! I'd add more bananas next time but that's just me. I've had three glasses already!"

Jean wanted to physically scream, but all he could do was gently cover his mouth with his hands in both sympathy and awe. What had he _done_? How will he ever get into Marco's pants if he has to live the rest of his life knowing that he accidentally let Marco drink a smoothie that had an ass banana in it?

"I... I need to go lie down I think I'm havin' heart palpitations." Jean practically whispered as he got up and walked into the kitchen. His sins had to be destroyed, so he took what was left of the smoothie out of the fridge and dumped it down the kitchen sink. The evil had been defeated.

"You okay? Want me to spend the night or something? I don't think heart palpitations are healthy, Jean!" Marco called after Jean, sounding so concerned and innocently confused. Oh, if only he knew.

Jean sat in his bed and decided to do what he hadn't done in years; Pray. He clasped his hands together and closed his eyes, "Alright... okay so uh, God? If you're up there, which I think you are because no one has this bad of luck on accident. Yeah uh, I understand now why masturbating is kind of bad thing in your book."

Jean took a deep breath, and brought his voice down before continuing. "I know I haven't prayed in like ten years but oh, my goodness I am _so so_ sorry and I know I'm probably going to hell for this. I'm gonna forget about this day and fifty years from now I'll be at the gates of Heaven and you'll have to explain why I'm being sent to Hell and I totally get it but, I have learned my lesson, honest."

"I mean, I dunno I'm still probably going to uh, do... _stuff_ , but I swear on my Nana's life, and my mom's life, and all of that that I will _not_ stick fruit in my ass again. Ever. Please forgive me I'm so sorry I understand I've done something totally fuck- _oh_ uh, screwed up. Amen."

Jean flopped down onto his mattress and groaned. He was definitely going to Hell. All because of some fucking banana.

**Author's Note:**

> I shouldn't have to say this but, please, if it's not a dildo, don't use it as a dildo. Unless it's your fingers, or someone else's fingers, or someone's dick, please do not put it up your butt/vagina if it's not specifically designed for that. Also, Vaseline is NOT lube. Don't use that as lube. And don't use Zip-Loc baggies as a type of condom. Seriously don't do anything that Jean did in this fic.


End file.
